Patricia Hewitt's bowel movements.

"I've just been, thank you!"

I am grateful to an eminent headmaster, a regular NHS BLOG DOCTOR reader, who points me in the direction of the Times Educational Supplement. An excellent journal, no doubt, but not on the Crippen regular reading list.

There is however a recent TES article which is unmissable for it discusses Patricia Hewitt's bowel movements.

No, really!

As part of the publicity for “The Health Profile of England”, government PR services were primed to issue information to the Press about the lifestyle and eating habits of individual ministers. We learned that:

• Gordon Brown is often found “munching an apple or an orange” [munching an orange?]
  
  
• the Prime Minister, “before his heart trouble” used to “join Alastair Campbell . . . in an occasional chocolate binge”.
  

As expected for our Health Secretary, Patricia Hewitt, 57, apparently leads a life of exemplary healthiness...a spokesman insisted that she eats "infinitely more" than the recommended five portions of fruit and vegetables per day. She has never smoked and allows herself only the occasional glass of wine but given her busy schedule, struggles to "exercise properly with her busy schedule".

"And she does have very, very regular bowel movements".

Rate your stools

Fascinating stuff. But it gets better.

In fact, according to the Media pages in Sunday’s Observer, Hewitt’s spokesman had never referred to her bowel movements: Neil Tweedie had put this in as a (rather appropriate) joke, expecting the sub-editor to remove it. Clearly, the sub-editor thought that the remark was entirely in character and assumed it was genuine. Apparently, there is now discussion between Hewitt’s office and the Telegraph as to whether a printed retraction would make her look worse.

Patricia Hewitt denies she has a regular bowel habit? Surely not! She is between a rock and a hard place.

This is a source of great pleasure to Dr Crippen, who always thought the Secretary of State was anally retentive. Apologies for that, Patricia.

Heaven knows what the Devil and his ageing Greek friend will make of this. There is a comedy sketch here, maybe a series. All suggestions gratefully received.

++++++++++

Dr Crippen respectfully reminds his readers that he is unable to give advice about bowel actions or any other personal medical problems. As always, however, if you are worried about your stools, or the stools of a loved one, please send a specimen in a sealed container to the Department of Health, marked “for the personal attention of the Right Honourable Patricia Hewitt PC MP”