A Modest Proposal...

Dr Jonathan Crippen

A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in the United Kingdom from being a burden on their parents or country
by Jonathan Crippen


It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through the hospitals in the great towns, when they see the labour wards crowded with beggars of the female sex followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags, buying the cards that must be scratched and importuning every passenger for alms. These mothers instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood are forced to employ all their time to beg sustenance for their helpless infants.

It is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of ridding society of these children would deserve so well of the publick, as to have her statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

As to my own part, I have turned my thoughts for many years, upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors which I have always found grossly mistaken in their computation. I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge upon their parents, or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary meet their maker peacefully at birth.

There is great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering their bastard children. There only remain an hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing obstetrik physician from the New World colonies of my acquaintance that a young healthy baby shall most likely survive when delivered by a learned physican and yet, when birthed at home by a midwife, may well perish before the moment of first breath.

I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that the hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed, born to poor folk shall birth at home to be delivered by the midwife and thus most likely shall not survive this method which we calleth New Labour. The children of gentlefolk shall meanwhile lie in the hospital to be attended by the physician at ye regional centre of expertise and shall survive and shall suck plentifully at their mother’s breast.

To this end, I have appointed Mistress Sheila Shribman lately of Cambridge University, an administrator of renown for eleven years in Nottingham and reeve of children’s health, unqualified in the skills of the obstetrik, but well qualified in the ways of the committee and who doth spinneth well for the government and who shall oversee the cull of the children of the poor folk for she herself doth have no experience of birth of children and will not knoweth when the midwives maketh tits of themselves. And meanwhile the physicians, learned in the ways of ye obstetrik care shall minister to the wives of the great and the good and also to the wives of the merchants who, though not of noble birth, joineth the private health insurance companies and therefore can pay the learned physicians to delivereth their babies.

I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child (in which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths of the farmers) to be about two thousand guineas per annum; and I believe that few of their children will survive the administrations of the midwife and, if they do, may yet drowneth in the birthing pool even though all shall singeth ten green bottles and eateth of the placenta. And the children shall not grow to purchase the cards that shall be scratched and Camelot shall no long prosper.

And Master Brown of the Exchequer, a very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose virtues I highly esteem shall be pleased, in discoursing on this matter, to note the reduction in the benefits of the child and rejoice that many poor folk of this kingdom having of late destroyed their children shall no longer scroungeth from the state but shall enter into gainful employment.

I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance. For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of benefit scroungers, with whom we are yearly over-run, they being the principal breeders of the nation, whereas the maintainance of an hundred thousand children, from two years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than a thousand pounds a piece per annum, Master Brown’s stock will be thereby encreased five hundred and fifty thousand pounds per annum as the constant breeders, particularly the Papists who do not use the rubber and collecteth not the morning-after potion shall no longer have children to maintain.

Many other advantages might be enumerated.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas indeed one principal design in offering it
to the world.

But, as to my self, having blogged for many years with vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to reject any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual.

I profess, in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by relieving the poor, and giving some to the rich.