How to stop masturbation

As recommended by the Church of England

My teenage daughter once caught me at it, in flagrante, late at night when I thought everyone else was in bed. She was appalled and ashamed. I would never do it in public. I am usually on-line when I do it, and always in the privacy of my own home. I keep promising myself that I will stop doing it, but I am hooked. And yet, it stresses me beyond imagination. I am sure it furs up my coronary arteries though I doubt it affects my prostate.  Sometimes – and I do not exaggerate – it makes me shake with anger. I talk, of course, of my habit of reading the Daily Mail.

GPs will be paid bonuses for persuading teenagers to have long-lasting contraceptive implants and jabs without their parents' knowledge, it has emerged.

Daily Mail

GPs will be paid to 'encourage' girls to have sex

Daily Mail

To make matters worse, the Daily Mail actually quotes a members of JABS, as if to suggest they are a reputable scientific organisation rather than mono-maniacal, rent-a-quote, anti-vaccine lunatics. Maybe the Daily Mail actually used the Jabs-o-tron.

Jackie Fletcher, of the antivaccine group Jabs, said: ' Giving a doctor a monetary gain to promote a product is abhorrent, especially if it is a vaccine with possible side-effects.

ibid

If Jackie “shit for brains” Fletcher had her way, half the world would have died of smallpox. How can the Daily Mail quote this woman?

Can someone explain why it is that otherwise intelligent people can seriously argue that better contraception causes pregnancy?

And it will once again result in yet more child and adolescent promiscuity, yet further rises in sexually-transmitted infections among the young and very young, yet more teenage pregnancies and abortions, yet more emotional chaos and arrested development, and an ever-deepening cycle of deprivation and dysfunctionality down through the generations.

Melanie Phillps

Sex education and the wide availablility of contraception does not cause pregnancy. Go and spend a week in Holland, Melanie.

At a time when a coalition of English low-life, chattering prudes and naïve God botherers are uniting to express their faux outrage about a 13 year old boy who has got his girlfriend up the duff, you would think that someone, somewhere might have pointed out that contraceptive advice would have prevented this mishap.

Human beings are physically able to procreate in their early teenage years, and they have powerful circulating hormones driving them to do just that. You won't stop them doing it by shouting at them. You won't make them do it by providing them with contraceptive advice and you will only confuse them by giving them a dose of self-righteous Melanie Phillips.  I am reminded of a story told by one of my most eminent blogging colleagues. When he was a teenager (we are going back now to the days of black polo neck sweaters, and youth clubs with coffee and table tennis and trendy vicars) the boys were told by said trendy vicar that the best way to stop the evils of nocturnal masturbation was to go to bed with a string threaded with corks tied round their waists, with the corks positioned on their backs. This would force them to sleep on their fronts, making it more difficult for them to handle their penises. It is advice like this (and this : see Thursday 2nd March) upon which the British Empire was founded.

Like the trendy vicar of the sixties, Family and Youth Concern are purveyors of the “corks on a string” approach to sex education and contraception:

...the confidential provision of the emergency pill to underage girls strikes at the heart of the relationship between parents and children and carries with it serious health risks and negative social consequences.

Family and Youth Concern

I wonder if the dysfunctional parents of Alfie and Chantelle would have been outraged if Chantelle had been brave enough (it may well be that she did not understand) to get the morning after pill? Corks on strings, the prayers of Family and Youth Concern, and advice from Melanie Phillips about “saving it for marriage” will not hold back the demands of biology. Teenagers do not understand the pleasures of delayed gratification.